What Breast Cancer Taught Me About Uncertainty

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, just over three years ago, I was thrown into the complete unknown. Not that anyone ever really knows how to respond to cancer – it’s not something you can prepare for. Until then, I’d been happily living a fairly safe and steady life – going to work Monday to Friday, exercising 5 times a week, seeing friends at the weekend – I thought I knew what was in front of me. Then, with the diagnosis, everything changed. Just like that – I felt completely out of control. The uncertainty of what lay ahead consumed me and I felt so frightened and helpless (and a little frustrated).

I was given a diagnosis but no treatment plan – just the waiting game for more tests and results. I wanted to know the plan, beyond the next test, so I could at least have some level of certainty, but no.

Then when there was a treatment plan, it came with more uncertainty…choosing what type of mastectomy – which was hard, each option filled with more unknowns. And just when I’d made my choice and felt clearer about what would lie ahead, came one of many curveballs –  that my ‘choice’ wasn’t possible after all. Nothing felt predictable.

And it didn’t stop there….

The uncertainty and unpredictability (and fear) continued throughout my treatment – a post-op infection after my mastectomy, another curveball of unexpected chemotherapy, a year later a localised recurrence and yet more tests, more waiting, more treatment. 

And although I knew this already, it made me super aware that actually nothing in life is certain. And it made it so obvious that the way we choose to live is often driven by the need to create a sense of certainty, control and safety.

Why We Crave Certainty

We like predictability – it makes us feel safe. That’s why we build routines and habits; they give us a sense of control. Our brains are wired to look out for danger and when something feels uncertain our stress response kicks in. In fact, research shows that not knowing can sometimes feel more stressful than knowing something bad is coming – because we can’t plan or prepare.

I remember that restless feeling so well in those early days –  trying to do something, anything, to feel less out of control. Running was my go-to. Every morning, until my op, I’d lace up my trainers and head out, just to feel like I had some small bit of order in a world that felt completely unpredictable.

Learning to Live with Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a constant. Over the last three years I’ve built up a level of resilience that I would never have imagined, all of it the result of so much uncertainty, fear and new experiences to navigate.  I know I cannot control everything but I can try (not always successfully) to control my responses. I try not to waste energy on uncertainty and the unknown, to be more relaxed and go with the flow. I try to adopt the a mindset that everything will be ok.  (Note the liberal use of the word ‘try’ – I’m far from perfect)

I still do a few odd things to feel safe, little routines – like switching off all the plugs  before I leave my home, checking twice that I’ve locked the door properly. I know I’m doing it but if that makes me feel safer in my uncertain world then I’m cool with it.

Here’s what also helps me now: