‘Oh F*ck, I’ve found a lump’

Some (many) might disagree, but I think I was lucky – to have found the lump in my left breast and lucky to be in the position of being somewhat in control of my actions and reactions, at least at the start!

As with everything to do with breast cancer, its not a one size fits all.  Not everyone finds a lump.  For some it’s a change in shape and size (on reflection this was a sign for me too), for others it’s a dimpling of the skin, and some even itchy breasts, nipples or discharge from the nipple and then there are those who rock up to a routine mammogram only to discover a few weeks later that it wasn’t so routine after all.

I was showering, not actually checking my breasts, and had a moment, several further moments, of ‘what did I just feel?’

Did I worry initially? No, not really.  (Maybe a bit, but everyone has lumps from time to time!)

Did I feel compelled to get it checked as soon as possible? Yes, sort of.  

My generation was definitely brought up to be more breast aware but I’m not sure, even now, whether  many women my age know how to check their breasts or do it regularly. And being 100% honest, I was NOT diligent or even a regular checker in the past!

WATCH TO FIND OUT HOW TO CHECK

I did all the right things…eventually!  I was abroad for 3 weeks working – who really wants to be stressing about something that’s probably nothing – but I did continue to check if the lump was still there.  A mass, a bit like a broad bean, neatly positioned close to my nipple. Yep, after 3 weeks, it was still there! So when I returned to the UK, I saw a doctor. I was referred to the breast care centre on a ‘fast track’ (which I delayed for a week just so I could work – I’m eye rolling at myself that I actually did this!). I still didn’t worry.  And I didn’t tell anyone.

At some point in the days before the breast care appointment I blurted out to a group of friends ‘I’ve found a lump’ – there was well meaning and reassuring words of ‘its probably nothing’ and ‘oh that happened to me and it was a cyst’.  I still didn’t worry.  This very unusual, calm, unworried-ness continued.

And it continued… despite several mammograms, an ultrasound, a biopsy and an appointment for another biopsy 3 weeks later.  Followed by a call from a nurse advising me to ‘bring someone’ to my next appointment (advice which I obviously ignored because I couldn’t possibly have cancer and I’m a strong, independent woman who can deal with anything! I’m laughing now at my thought process).

I look back, astonished at this person I don’t/didn’t recognise.  One who was patient, almost the calm before the eventual storm.  No worries. And with an internal mantra of ‘I can’t possibly have cancer’. (Who would actually believe the propaganda of 1 in 2 people will get cancer in their lifetime?!)

I allowed myself to believe all was well and would be… until I actually heard the words ‘you have breast cancer’.  I’m hugely grateful now for the peace I allowed myself during that time.

My key takeaways are:

      • Check your breasts/chests regularly and If something doesn’t feel right or look right or there is a change, then get it checked as soon as you can.  (Watch this video)

      • Stay in the moment whilst you wait for appointments, checks, tests – if you do receive a diagnosis, you will need your energy down the line – try not to waste it on what you don’t know or something that might not happen.

      • You are stronger than you realise.

      • Find your tribe – your support network, your inner circle – they will get you through this, they will be there, hands on your back all the way.

      • And on that note…take someone to appointments with you and prepare for the appointments – know what questions to ask, its all a bit overwhelming at the start. 

      • Use your breast care nurse, ask questions, be a pain if you need to – and don’t forget the wonderful organisations that are Breast Cancer Now and Macmillan.

      • Oh and finally (but this should be the first thing you do) buy this book – The Complete Guide to Breast Cancer – it is an amazing tool – one to gift to yourself or anyone who is going through breast cancer.

    I realise as I’m writing this how much I avoided ever saying the word breast out loud – kind of had to get used to saying it! Its my mission now to remind all the women I know to CHECK THEIR BREASTS!

    Sending all my thoughts to anyone awaiting results, having tests, undergoing treatment and recovering afterwards.  It’s been the most life changing event for me, and it’s not been all bad.