Let’s talk resilience – the ability to bounce back after challenges or setbacks.
Growing up, resilience felt like a given – something we naturally had or did. As a teenager in the ’90s, it was just part of life: navigating hormones, ups and downs of friendships, sitting exams, first heartbreak… I just got on with it
That mindset carried me through my 20s and 30s. I was of the ‘work hard, play hard’ generation. Looking back, I’m not saying powering through was always ideal but that unspoken training served me well through life – progressing in my career, more relationships, more break ups, taking on marathon challenges. It helped me in so many ways, including navigating the tough journey of a cancer diagnosis
Recently, though, I’ve noticed that resilience doesn’t come as easily. I’ve had some mildly challenging situations in the past few weeks which are definitely not the worst I’ve ever had. The difference is, they have been more difficult to bounce back from. It’s taken deliberate self reflection and a greater reliance on calming techniques than I’ve needed in the past.
It made me stop and wonder: why is this happening now? I’ve made it through cancer treatment, I can get through anything, can’t I? Why does resilience feel harder now?
Why does resilience seem to decline in middle age?
There are a few things at play which leave us with less emotional resilience
- Hormonal shifts – affect mood, energy, and emotional regulation (thank you, perimenopause and menopause).
- Disrupted sleep – anxiety and fluctuating hormones don’t help, poor sleep makes it harder to regulate emotions.
- Increased cortisol – As we age, our stress recovery system becomes less efficient and so cortisol stays high for longer after a stressful event, with this it becomes more challenging to bounce back and be resilient.
- Fatigue – not just tiredness, I mean real exhaustion – which can be from health issues, in my case cancer recovery, or the constant juggle of work, family, and life admin – has a huge impact on what we feel able to cope with.
- Mental load – and for some, the background noise of planning, remembering, and caring for everyone else can be quite exhausting.
But despite that its still possible to be resilient, its just that I’ve realised for me how to be resilient has changed. Its definitely no longer always powering on. Sometimes its taking a pause when I feel exhausted or emotionally overwhelmed and other times its pushing through when I’m just a bit fearful or lacking in confidence.
How to Strengthen Resilience in Midlife
Here’s what I’ve been doing to build my own resilience muscle — and what you can try too:
01
Protecting my Energy: This is a hard one. I love being busy and sociable, but I’ve learned that protecting my energy means being more selective, and sometimes making the difficult decision to say no.
02
Moving my Body, Shifting my Mind: Exercise is a huge part of my life – yes I love running and dancing as my go to stress busting activities, but even just getting out for a walk, stretching your body or a few squats whilst the kettle boils can help reset our nervous system. Any physical activity works really.
03
Reflect and Reframe: Journaling after a setback helps me reflect and gain a new perspective. It turns me from worrying about how I’ve failed at something, and asking questions like ‘What did I do wrong?’ into “What can I learn from this?”
04
Talk It Out: Problem shared is a problem halved. Talking to friends and family also helps me see a problem in a new light. I’m lucky to have a great number of friends who are happy to listen to me. I have support network through menopause and cancer. Plus once a month I meet with a coach.
05
Increase the feel good: I try to turn to the things I enjoy and that give me a sense of satisfaction or purpose. I remind myself of the number of women I help through volunteering. I focus on a knitting project. I take time out to have a long soak in the bath with a good book.
I’ve learned that being resilient, bouncing back, doesn’t always mean bouncing fast. And as with most things in midlife, its about being kind to yourself, taking a breath, and finding perspective.
Some helpful items:
