At the time I write, Valentines day is almost upon us, awash with messages about self love – the current zeitgeist.
What if self love isn’t the issue but your confidence is?
Several years ago, when I was (although I didn’t know it at the time) perimenopausal, my confidence started to decline. It happened slowly, so much so that I’m not sure I even noticed at first. I don’t think I had ever given my confidence much thought before then. When I was determined to do something I just got on with it, mostly with the self-assurance that it would turn out the way I hoped or expected.
This confidence issue began at work. I started doubting my abilities, and my usually sharp memory seemed to be disappearing too. I’d forget things, overthink everything, and convince myself that every minor mistake meant I was terrible at my job. It was exhausting and stress-inducing. My lack of confidence put me off trying anything that felt remotely risky (I’m fairly risk averse anyway but this was on another level). I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough at anything, and had a good old dose of imposter syndrome.
Looking back, I now realise I was perimenopausal and my hormones were all over the place. I hadn’t even been aware they have a HUGE impact on emotional and mental health. Perimenopause brought me all kinds of physical changes and symptoms, but the hit to my confidence was unexpected. And, like so many women, I didn’t talk about it. Perimenopause, then, was not really talked about at all. I kept my head down, got on with things. For a while at least.
I am aware other factors or events can knock your confidence in your 40s and beyond: aging visibly (hello, fine lines & grey hair), health challenges, and family stuff. But for me, those fluctuating hormones were the culprit. I know this because I started HRT and things changed. My levels of confidence improved, I felt like myself again. My energy returned along with an “I can do anything I want to” attitude. I know HRT is not a silver bullet and isn’t the solution for everyone but it worked for me.
Then came my cancer diagnosis, and with it, an end to HRT (sob). At first, I didn’t notice the impact on my confidence because my focus was on getting through treatment. But now, as I’ve come out the other side, those old feelings of doubt and low confidence have started to creep back in. Right on time as I start to think about new opportunities, taking risks, learning a new skill or embarking on new challenges.
I’ve realised I’m not alone. I speak to so many women my age who have also experienced a crisis of confidence (or are currently in one), often accompanied by spiralling negative thoughts and relentless negative self-talk. We start to play small in middle age as a result and listen to the little voice of our inner critic a bit too much. It’s like we’re hardwired to negative thinking when, in reality, there’s a lot going on inside our body that’s beyond our control.
The difference for me now is that I know there are things I can do to help – these also are not quick fixes and sometimes take a bit of hard work, but are good for overcoming negative thinking and combating lower self-esteem.
Here’s what I’ve been trying when it feels like my confidence is vanishing:
Say it and you'll eventually believe it.
I’m reminding myself that ‘I am strong, I am safe and I can do anything I put my mind to’ – the power of affirmations is amazing. If you tell yourself something often enough you will believe it. I used to litter my workspace with post-its noting various affirmations to help me feel more confident in managing tricky meetings or tackling new tasks. It really did work and I felt more confident in how I approached each situation.
Practicing gratitude and reflecting on the positives every day
Practicing gratitude and reflecting on the positives every day – I journal and write at least 5 things I’m grateful for everyday. Sometimes these are small things like my morning coffee or the sun shining. And in the evening I try to reflect on what has gone well that day. It helps focus the mind to think more positively.
I do this most days because achieving goals gives me a sense of accomplishment. I mean, who doesn’t feel good after achieving a goal? And The more goals achieved, the more self-belief increases. Sometimes these goals are as small as decluttering a cupboard (also good for confidence building) or doing a 10 minute yoga practice (see the point below on exercise).
Taking small risks
I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and attempt new challenges – the more of these I take, the more I close the confidence gap. We’re talking small risks at this stage like posting on social media (who knew this would become so nerve wracking) and leaving plug sockets switched on whilst popping to the shops, even though they stay safely switched on when I’m at home (I mentioned I was risk averse!!).
Helping others and feeling purposeful
For a while now I’ve been helping some friends with their various businesses or to help them create an action plan. I’m also supporting Menopause and Cancer in its ambition to support the growing number of people who need its support. I’m putting my skills to use and reminding myself what I’m capable of and that in turn is building my confidence.
Learning new skills
I’ve started a learning club for my friends – trying and learning new things challenges you and increases your self-assurance – we’re determined to stay relevant and understand more about the ever changing and growing use of AI. Mostly to work out how we can put it to use to make our lives easier. Its just the challenge I need! And it also means a social event and a regular way for us all to connect.
Exercising to boost physical and mental health
Yes, exercise, the wonder drug can also help to lift confidence. I love nothing more than putting on my trainers, leggings and a running top and getting out for a run. You may have already read my blog where I talk all about the positives. It really does help reduce stress and build self-esteem and I’ve also discovered pilates which is another amazing activity to build strength, tone your body and improve self-image.
Powering up with red lipstick
I have several shades to choose from and putting red lipstick on really can change how I feel in an instant, no matter what I’m wearing.
As can a superhero pose – go on try it!! Channel your wonder woman!
I’d love to hear your tips on how to increase confidence when it feels like its evaporating, comment below.