Why Can’t I Relax On A ‘No Plans’ Weekend?

I had a rare, no plans weekend. I say no plans – I mean a few loose arrangements but nothing which meant effort. I really struggled. I was saved at a few points by unexpected meet ups but largely the weekend was plan and productivity free. I found it uncomfortable.

I was nursing my foot back to health after last week’s epic walk. It was hot too, which didn’t help. Unable to run to get rid of some of that energy. And no errands to give the days a shape. Just me, the heat, and a restlessness I couldn’t quite shake.

Three Things

The closest I can get to naming it is three things layered on top of each other. There was guilt, a nagging sense I should be doing something that was moving me forward, though forward toward what, I genuinely couldn’t have told you. There was discomfort too, just being left alone with my own thoughts instead of a task. And underneath both of those, ideas kept arriving. Idea after idea after idea, each one initially seeming like a good thing to do, to tackle, and then quickly being replaced by another, my brain overloaded so I did nothing.

On Saturday morning I found myself trying to find something in a cupboard. I’m not sure I found what I was actually looking for. But it turned out to be useful.  I found supplements and medication that had been out of date for years. I stood there sorting expired boxes into a bin bag. It felt like relief, finally, a task with a clear start and a clear end and oh so cathartic to do a clear out.

It Has A Name

I’ve since learned this has a name, or at least a piece of it does. Psychologists call it experiential avoidance, filling time so there’s no space left for feeling or thinking about anything too deep. I’ve read doing this can actually impact the ability to pursue meaningful, long-term life goals. This sort of resonates.

And then there’s the layer underneath that, which I think is the real reason this no plan weekend restlessness happened. Being single with no kids means independence has always been something I’ve been proud of. Managing everything alone. But along with that comes big decisions and as I age, more worry arises around long term finances, questions arise as to if I should upgrade my tiny but gorgeous flat. So when a weekend like this arises, these worries become a little noisier.

So no, I don’t think this was really about having no plans. I think it was a weekend that handed me a question: what am I actually progressing toward, and can I sit still long enough to find out? I don’t have an answer yet. But at least I’m now aware.